No More Capes

 One of my favorite things when I started teaching at SUU was 24 Hour Theater. SUU's Stage 2 would basically set up a 24 hour period, Friday to Saturday, put together random groups of actors, a director, and assign them a writer. The writers would spend all night writing a short play, sometimes with a prompt, always with a random number of actors, then give it to their group the next morning so they can rehears it and then put it on that next evening. I absolutely loved this. Not everything I churned out was great, but I always had fun. This was probably my favorite of those. I only had two actors so that simplified things a bit. And, as someone who loves superheroes, I'm always going to give the deconstruction of those tropes a try. Fun note, Impressiveman is a recurring character in a lot of my writing. I came up with the guy, and have been running with him for a while.  

No More Capes

Characters:

Doctor Diabolic: A supervillain of the super genius type. His intellect is his prize possession. Doesn’t buy into the tights and bright colors of other caped and masked individuals. Has a distinct Villain posture and voice, but it’s not the real him. Socially, he is awkward. Lex Luthor with a mask.

Angela Adare: Motivated photojournalist. Has been known as Impressiveman’s girlfriend for almost eight years. She is not a Louise Lane damsel in distress, but has shrunk to that role. 

SECRET LAIR OF DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Angela Adare is gagged and bound to a chair. Doctor Diabolic is looking over his displays and machines.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

You know, this is the part when I usually start gloating. Plans in motion, death ray aligned and aimed, fungus army armed and waiting.

ANGELA

(Mumbles through gag)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Hostage…

ANGELA

(Mumbles through gag)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Hostage…that’s a horrible way to…you’re not…

ANGELA

(Mumbles through gag)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Sorry, sorry, let me just.

ANGELA

(Screams)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Could you not, shit. Could you not scream?

ANGELA

You won’t get away with this.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Oooh, ho ho. There we go. That’s the banter I’ve been looking for. Say it again.

ANGELA

What?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Say it again. What you just said.

ANGELA

You won’t get away with this?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

(Villain voice)

That’s what you think!…wait, no…Oh,

(Villain voice again)

but I will Angela. Ha ha ha!

ANGELA

Angela?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Excuse me? What?

ANGELA

You just called me Angela.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Well, yeah, that is your name. Angela Adare.

ANGELA

Yes, but-

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

(Villain voice)

Everyone knows Impressiveman’s girlfriend. Intrepid photo journalist, Angela Adare.

ANGELA

Umm…yeah, I guess. But you don’t call me that.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I- What? I don’t?

ANGELA

No, you don’t.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Are you sh- 

(In villain voice)

You dare question Doctor Diabolic?

ANGELA

I’m not questioning you. I’m stating a fact. You never call me Angela. You usually call me Ms. Adare, but you drag the S out. Mssss. Adare.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Mssss. Adare. Yeah, that dose seem familiar, but I call you other things.

ANGELA

You do. Insufferable girl, sniveling woman, prisoner. You once called me an insect.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Really? An insect? I called you that?

ANGELA

Not specifically. It was more like,

( Imitating Doctor Diabolic’s Villain voice.)

“I’ll show you and the insects of this city.” So, I felt grouped in.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Damn, that really wasn’t my- When did I say that?

ANGELA

About two years ago. The mind control helmet.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Oh, yes. Great idea the mind control helmet. Execution, not so much. The problem with mind control, is keeping track of everyone’s thoughts. you can’t really micro manage that.

ANGELA

And it didn’t work on everyone.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Fringe sciences can be temperamental.

(Beat)

Sorry about that.

ANGELA

The mind control? It-

DOCTOR DIABOLIC:

No…No!

(Villain voice)

Doctor Diabolic doesn’t…

(Regular voice)

Ummm, no. The insect thing. I was going to show you and…

ANGELA

The insects?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Yes. But as a completely different group. You are over here. The insects over there.

ANGELA

Okay…and?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Well, I’m sorry about you feeling grouped in.

(Beat)

And calling you sniveling and insufferable. That was out of line.

(Beat)

I can get caught up in the moment.

(Uncomfortable beat)

ANGELA

Apology accepted.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Wow. Really?

ANGELA

Yeah. Sure. Of course.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Whew! That’s a relief. Big weight off my shoulders.

(Chuckles)

ANGELA

So, I’ve forgiven you. You seem happy. Relaxed. Sooo, do you think you could let me go?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Ummm. Damn. That would be the right thing to do, but…

ANGELA

But?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I’m a, well, Villain. I don’t really do the right thing. I can’t just let hostages go. It would reflect poorly on me.

ANGELA

I think it would look good to the authorities.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I’m not worried about them. I mean with other villains. I have a reputation to maintain.

ANGELA

So I have to stay tied up here to protect your bad guy cred?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

No. Not entirely. I mean, how many times have we done this?

ANGELA

(Shrugs)

 DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Eleven. Eleven times. This is what I do. I build a series of devices and traps that will allow me to destroy my enemies and rule the world.

ANGELA

And that’s been working out great.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

And so, I try again. You’ve got to be passionate about something. If something is important to you, you’ve got to commit to it.

ANGELA

Glad someone feels that way.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Uh…thanks?

(Beat)

Since I can’t just let you go, do you think we could get back on script here?

ANGELA

I…I guess.

(Beat)

Do you want to…

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Oh, yes.

(In Villain voice)

In just a few minutes everything will be aligned and the leaders of the world will bow before the might of Doctor Diabolic. Ha ha ha!

(Beat)

No retort to that?

ANGELA

Shit, sorry. Eventually Impressiveman will stop you.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Not this time Angela. I’ve already-

ANGELA

There you go again!

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

What?

ANGELA

You called me Angela again. You don’t call me that.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Look, maybe I’m just trying to change things up. What does it matter anyway? I’m just calling you by your name.

ANGELA

But you don’t do that. We aren’t that familiar.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Not that familiar? I have kidnapped you eleven times. Over 75% of my world domination schemes have you factored into them. When I made The Queen of England  hand me her crown and call me master, you were right there. How are we not on a first name level of familiarity?

ANGELA

I don’t know your first name.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Supervillain, secret identity, that’s the whole point. You are really phoning in the damsel in distress stuff today.

ANGELA

Oh yeah?! Well you’re acting like a shitty C-list villain!

(Screams)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Really? Do you really need to do that? Look, since you have obviously forgotten how this works, I will deconstruct it all for you. I am the supervillain. I kidnap you, call you what I want, and keep my identity a secret. And you. You sit there, tied up, patiently waiting for Impressiveman to show up and save the helpless girl.

 ANGELA

(screams)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Oh my God! Enough with the screaming.

ANGELA

I’m just playing my role. Isn’t that what you want? This little give and take? I’m just trying to help out.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Help out? How is this argument helping out?

ANGELA

Doesn’t calling me by my first name damage that all important villain cred?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

No. How would it do that?

ANGELA

For starters, it humanizes me. With a name, I’m not just a hostage. You can’t dehumanize someone with a name.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

When have I ever tried to dehumanize you? I can’t even fathom where you got that idea from.

ANGELA

Anyone with some psych training knows that’s what you bad guys do.

 DOCTOR DIABOLIC

And of course, you have all that psychology training.

ANGELA

I have a degree in psychology doc.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Whatever. It’s a minor. Don’t try and play it off like journalism was a fall back-

ANGELA

Wait, wait. Back up. How did you know it was a minor?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

A-it-It’s not difficult to do a background check. Especially for a super genius.

ANGELA

I know that, but why background check me?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

The great strategists learn everything they can about their opponents.

 ANGELA

What does me having a minor in psychology have to do with beating Impressiveman?

(Beat)

Well?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I’m Doctor Diabolic. I’ve encased the UN building in crystal, traveled back in time to rewrite the constitution. I’ve built machines that could crack the world in half. I don’t need to explain my methods to you.

ANGELA

Okay. Fine…Whatever. Worst. Day. Ever.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Compromise. I can’t let you go, but I could untie you for a bit.

ANGELA

Seriously?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Yeah. Just don’t…don’t try anything funny.

ANGELA

Deal.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

(Unties Angela)

ANGELA

(Getting circulation back to her hands)

Thanks.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Please be careful. There’s delicate equipment…plans. You know, secret lair stuff?

ANGELA

So this is one of your actual secret lairs? Not like a remote command bunker or something?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Nope, this is the actual place. This is where the magic happens.

(Awkward Beat)

ANGELA

This may be crossing the line for a hostage, but could I get something to drink? All the screaming.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Sure. I’ve got water and soda. Diet Dr. Pepper?

ANGELA

I would love a Dr. Pepper, thanks.

(Doctor Diabolic goes to get Angela’s drink. Angela starts to look over inventions and machinery strewn on tables. He brings her back a soda and opens it for her)

ANGELA (CONTINUED)

You’ve got some impressive looking toys here.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Mostly side projects. Ideas I come up with while in prison. During my down time. Some of it comes to me in dreams. I like to keep my hands and mind busy.

ANGELA

I’ve never seen Impressiveman with anything this complicated.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

He doesn’t really need it. When depleted uranium rounds don’t even phase you, gadgets and inventions aren’t really necessary. Though I would like to see more of that alien tech I saw on his asteroid.

 ANGELA

You’ve been up to the asteroid?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I snuck up there once about eight years ago. Right around the time I became his nemesis. I was new to all the hero villain stuff. I didn’t know how to deal with anything on that scale. Should have at least stolen something.

(Beat)

Has he changed much up there? He had some tacky disco era decor going on in there.

ANGELA

Actually, I’ve never been up there.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

What? Not even once?

ANGELA

Nope. Seven years together and you assume that I spend my vacations there, looking down on the earth. It’s his man cave. Where he goes to get away from…

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

The world?

ANGELA

Me. It’s where he goes to get away from me.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I’m sure it isn’t like that.

ANGELA

(Changing the subject she picks up a futuristic looking gun.)

What does this thing do? Devolve people into monkeys?

(Aims the gun at Doctor Diabolic)

If I pulled the trigger right now, would your blood boil? Or would you be sucked into a tiny black hole?

(Beat)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Give me some credit. I’m not going to let you wander around with heat rays in easy reach. That’s my prototype cancer gun.

ANGELA

So it gives people cancer?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

No. It destroys cancer cells by unraveling the specific cancer’s genomic sequence. Right now just prostate, skin and breast cancers.

ANGELA

Curing cancer doesn’t seem very villainous.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

No, it doesn’t. We can’t all be super powered beings of perfection, floating above the city. Sometimes us mortals do things contrary to our nature.

(Angela takes another look at the gun and puts it back. Doctor Diabolic checks his watch)

ANGELA

He’ll probably be late getting here. I think he’s preoccupied.

 DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Preoccupied? With what? Has another villain tried pulling off something today?

ANGELA

No. Not that I know of. He probably just doesn’t know you’ve kidnapped me.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Doesn’t know? He always knows!

ANGELA

Then maybe he doesn’t care…

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

You are Impressiveman’s girlfriend-

ANGELA

Ex! Ex-girlfriend.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Ex?

ANGELA

Yes. Ex. Use to be. No longer. Crossed out. I am now just Angela Adare, intrepid photo journalist. End of title.

(Beat)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I’m sorry.

ANGELA

No. Don’t be. It was mutual…at least as mutual as any break up can be. Though there is always a lot of finger pointing after the mutual part.

(Beat)

I’m the one that should be sorry. I’ve really screwed things up for you. I’ve been a horrible hostage today.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Don’t worry about it. You haven’t screwed up anything. I sent a ransom video to the president. He has that direct line to Impressive. Him and the other heroes will get here soon enough.

ANGELA

So, I guess you really don’t need me anymore.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I don’t? I guess not…if you want to take off.

ANGELA

You’d be okay with that? The other villains wouldn’t say anything?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

(Villain voice)

If they do, I’ll wipe the smirks from their faces. No one questions Doctor Diabolic.

ANGELA

(smiles)

Thanks.

 

(Angela starts to walk away. Stops. Doctor Diabolic notices her hesitating.)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

If you want to stay a bit. Finish your soda. People won’t show up-

ANGELA

Yes. I would like that. Finish my soda.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I can-

ANGEL

Okay. This is way out of line and definitely out of bounds for the villain damsel relationship we have here, but can I talk to you about this?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Sure. If-

ANGELA

Great. Awesome. Here’s the thing, I can’t talk to any of my regular girlfriends about this. They’ve never had a super relationship. They just wouldn’t get it. And I can’t talk to anyone in the hero community. They worship the guy. So I feel totally alone in this. But you’ve been doing the mask and cape thing for a while, right?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Going on thirteen years.

ANGELA

So, be honest, isn’t it just a little odd that in sevenish years of dating, I’ve never seen the inside of that asteroid? You’ve seen it for God’s sake.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Honestly, it is a little bit strange.

ANGELA

Exactly. Thank you. If you had a girl you liked, you’d bring her to your secret lair.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Uh, yeah…I think I would.

ANGELA

Damn right you would.

(Beat)

The worst part, the absolute worst part, is he tried to play all our problems off as my fault. He complained about having to save me all the time…He doesn’t you know. I don’t need him floating there while I eat dinner, making sure I don’t choke. I’m not fragile.

(Beat)

I can handle myself. If you decided to get rough with me-

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I won’t. I don’t want to…get rough with you.

ANGELA

Yeah, but if you did, I could take it. I could even dish some out.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Remember three years ago, I had those stealth robots in your house kidnap you?

ANGELA

Oh yeah. Scared the shit out of me. Suddenly my reading lamp is telling me that resistance is futile.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

But you messed up that robot. Absolutely trashed it.

ANGELA

I did give it a couple of good whacks.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Good whacks? It wasn’t even worth trying to rebuild. I had to salvage and recycle.

ANGELA

Really? I messed it up that bad?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Destroyed it.

ANGELA

Well, I have been taking self defense classes and doing Tae-Bo.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

It shows.

ANGELA

Does it?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Well, yeah…in the robot smashing way.

(Beat)

When did this all happen? The break up thing?

ANGELA

It’s been happening bit by bit for a while now. We officially ended it at lunch today.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Today?

ANGELA

Just before you snagged me. I had left the restaurant about an hour before.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Are you kidding me? If I would have known…

ANGELA

You would have put off taking over the world?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Well…no. But I would have figured you out of the equations.

ANGELA

Found someone else to lure him in?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

You should have some time to yourself. A chance to process everything. Instead you’re dragged to my secret lair, tied up, gagged. I feel like a dick.

ANGELA

Don’t. You didn’t know. Plus, it’s been helpful having someone to vent to. Get my mind off things. Thanks, Doctor Diabolic.

 

(Angela touches Doctor Diabolic in a symbol of thanks. Doctor Diabolic isn’t quite sure how to process this. Beat)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

David…

ANGELA

What?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

My name. It’s David.

ANGELA

Why are you-

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I’ve been calling you Angela all day, and I think we’ve moved on to first name familiarity

(beat)

ANGELA

Impressiveman never told me his real name.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

He didn’t?

ANGELA

I knew who he was. It wasn’t hard to figure out. He thinks we’re all pretty stupid.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Did you ever tell him you knew?

ANGELA

No. I wanted him to tell me. I wanted him to care enough to share. To trust me with that secret. But we have always been on different plains.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

You know, he flies up there, looking down on everything. From that asteroid, he simply surveys the earth. He is a new God, a modern deity. Beyond powerful. But he can be brought down to our level.

ANGELA

I’ll leave that to your weapons…or some other poor girl. Though I doubt anything short of titanium and plutonium could do it. Good riddance.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

So you’re done? Just that quick?

ANGELA

For that hour, right after leaving the restaurant and hearing him fly off, was the best I’ve felt in six years. Suddenly I was free, light. For a second I thought that maybe I could fly. Finally I was me again. Not Impressiveman’s girlfriend, not a damsel in constant distress. I was just simple wonderful Angela. Even you kidnapping me had a new kind of exhilaration. Though I guess this was the last time.

 DOCTOR DIABOLIC

(Disappointed)

I guess so.

ANGELA

Oh, don’t be glum. He’ll find someone else. Someone new for you to hold hostage.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

More trouble than it’s worth. Maybe I’ll get back into prerecorded threats and demands. I’m a good orator, but heroes never give me time to show it off. They’re fight happy.

ANGELA

(Joking)

Admit it, you’re just going to miss me.

(Angela laughs, but it takes Doctor Diabolic a moment to laugh as well. When he does, it is loud and overcompensating. Angela stops and stairs at Doctor Diabolic who is deer in the headlights.)

 DOCTOR DIABOLIC

No! Miss you?

(Villain voice)

Dr. Diabolic Misses no one. I am the preeminent super criminal. My name is palpable fear in the caped community.

ANGELA

David, if you can lure Impressive into your traps without me, why kidnap me eleven times?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

The simplest way to hurt your enemy is to hurt those closest to them.

ANGELA

David, why not just leave me in a cell while you fly to England. Why do I need to be there when you take the queen’s crown?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

David? David? That’s not me! I am Doctor Diabolic! Scourge of the earth, master of science, nemesis of the world’s mightiest heroes!

ANGELA

David, Diet Dr. Pepper is my favorite drink. You knew that, didn’t you?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

(He tries to muster a retort, but he has run out of steam.)

ANGELA

The same way you knew about my psychology minor?

(Beat)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Second time I took you hostage I knew it would come off as creepy. The other villains have been joking about it for a while.

ANGELA

Well, my ex has X-ray vision. Creepy is relative.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I split atoms, fuse polymers. I’m a supervillain. World domination, billion dollar ransoms, nuclear weaponry. These are things I understand. Women, not so much.

ANGELA

Try telling them how you fell instead of kidnapping them repeatedly for years.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

That would have been the logical course of action.

(Beat)

ANGELA

Well?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Well what?

ANGELA

Seven years in the making, David. Do you have something you want to tell me?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Sorry for being creepy and kidnapping you eleven times, the unflattering names, trying to kill your boyfriend-

ANGELA

Ex-Boyfriend.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

And trying to kill your ex-boyfriend. This is all my fucked up way of trying to let you know that I really like you.

(Beat)

ANGELA

How hard was that?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Hard? No. Embarrassing and awkward? God yes.

ANGELA

Okay, now you’re supposed to kiss me.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I’m sorry, what did you say?

ANGELA

For a super genius, you come across as pretty thick.

 DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I understand what you are saying, I’m just not getting the why.

ANGELA

Well, I don’t get it either. Maybe it’s stockholm syndrome, or just really wanting to rebound as far away from him as possible.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

But why me? After all that-

ANGELA

Is the great Doctor Diabolic really going to shy away from the chance to be so romantically irresponsible?

 

(Doctor Diabolic puts on his villain bravado. The kiss is awkward and requires some direction from Angela. This is obviously Doctor Diabolic’s first kiss, but it settles into something quite nice.)

ANGELA (CONT)

I’d forgotten how nice…mortal lips are.

(A warning goes off taking Doctor Diabolic away from this blissful moment.)

What is that?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Alarms. Capes are making their way into the base. You’ve got about fifteen minutes before they smash in here and try to take me down.

ANGELA

And you’re going to what? Stay here and fight them?

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

Hell yes! I’m a supervillain. This is what I do. Now, head back through that door. There’s an escape hatch that comes out next to a gas station. We’ll just say you got away in the confusion.

 

(Angela heads to the door, but hesitates. Doctor Diabolic isn’t paying attention. He is in full villain mode.)

DOCTOR DIABOLIC (CONT)

(At the unseen heroes)

How dare you defile the lair of Doctor Diabolic. This is sacred ground. The birth place of the worlds first emperor.

(Angela walks back towards Doctor Diabolic.)

You false gods, fraudulent deities. I will bring you down to the level of mortals and build my thrown on your corpses.

ANGELA

David.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

(Startled)

What? You’ve got to go, now.

ANGELA

Take over the world tomorrow.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

I can’t. The fungus army, the death ray.

ANGELA

Tomorrow. Tomorrow build a more deadly ray, a more powerful army, but today, come with me.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

(Beat)

One quick thing.

(Back at his enemies)

You’ll never catch me you caped buffoons. No one can stop Doctor Diabolic.

ANGELA

Beautiful.

(She kisses his cheek)

You are an exceptional orator.

DOCTOR DIABOLIC

(Awkwardly takes Angela’s hand.)

Thanks.

 

(On the way out, Angela picks up the cancer gun, looks it over, and they head out the escape hatch.)